The Answers You Seek Are Inside Your Fear

You will find what you want in the place you least wish to look.

Go inside your fear and face it.

That is the place where you discover yourself, what matters to you and why you see the world and its people as you do.

People strive to avoid their fears, numb their emotions and cope in ways only appearing to manage situations. It persists the following day without changing their reality.

Nothing changes.

It helps to use examples and I volunteer to be vulnerable.

Nope, I don’t like it. No one does, but I didn’t start this journey to be comfortable. I need to change. We need to change.

I like isolating myself from people, because it makes me feel in control and safe. Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely, because I often feel that way around others.

How can anyone feel lonely around people?

Often, it begins with a disconnect from the self and entanglement in situations that conflict with your authenticity; whether this stems from opposing values or lifestyles; regards of what is or isn’t considered acceptable; keeping peace; managing the emotions of everyone around you; a lack of understanding, compatibility, appreciation or respect; and for some, even trauma.

Furthermore, in a society obsessed with political correctness one must anticipate that each word or action will offend someone. Yet, in order to think we have to risk being offensive.

By the way, that’s not an excuse to be an a-hole, or a snowflake, for that matter.

First, y’all need to learn respect and manners. Treat each other with human dignity. Also, toughen up and learn to fight your own battles, because this world we live in will eat you up alive, no matter how many times we hold hands, singing.

For those who get off on bullying, face your damned demons already and realize those people and situations from your past can’t hurt you anymore. There are other ways to feel in control of your life and fuel your power trip.

Overly simplistic, in summary. I’m well aware of additional, complex layers, but we’ll sort those out a different time. Bottom line is… we are afraid.

I am afraid.

What scares you into isolation, Roxi?

Trust, more than anything… or the lack thereof. I question what is or isn’t real. It’s about belief. Closeness. Vulnerability. Pain. Disappointment. Loss.

When I question what is real, by the end… nothing is – that’s the safest way to protect myself, while simultaneously locking me out of life and a meaningful existence.

All to avoid pain.

But life is pain! It’s the truest thing you’ll ever know. It’s not about avoiding it, but leaning into and overcoming it. Sharing it. Conquering it in a manner of ascending your former, limited self.

One more thing – you don’t have time to be ready. Do it now, if you will. Face your fears and pain or it will be too late. Life is short and time doesn’t wait for anyone.

Real, how?

Well, anyone can say or do anything that appears different from who or what they are. People lead you to believe all sorts of things. Situations and opportunities can be just as misleading. According to Gregory House, everyone lies.

Later, it’s about the fear of loss. Being afraid to lose both myself as much as the other, all the same. Forming attachments inevitably leads to loss. The notion to prevent that loss and in turn, its suffering, inspires me to withdraw from people, personal projects, situations of any kind.

I now keep people at arm’s length, even during attempts at closeness, sabotaging relationships, projects, goals, plans, anything, really.

Mustering every shred of discipline at my disposal, while writing this, I’m ashamed to admit entertaining the idea of quitting this blog, every month. It changed from what I initially envisioned, yet part of me feels compelled to keep going.

So I do, grinding my teeth, squirming in my seat, exasperated, berating myself over this ridiculous tug-of-war inside my mind. I’ve been showing up for myself to post once a month since January 2023. I tell myself I’m doing this for others and that someone, somewhere, needs this. I also call it personal meaning.

Yet I’m resisting… I fight with myself to get it done. I keep pushing off the podcast I’ve wanted to start, for over a year. I have doubts about the book I’m writing. Doubt is natural, it’s human. It comes and goes, we need to keep pushing past it.

Proving.

I keep trying to prove that I’m okay on my own, because I want to be. I want to be okay without a website, a podcast, a book, jobs, people, help, etc. There’s part of me that wants to be okay alone. Not just okay, but enough.

Why do I have to prove that?

Because I want to be enough for me. I want that more than being enough for people. I’m more than enough for some, won’t ever be enough for others, yet… I cannot ever be enough for myself.

I’m not super-conscientious or work-obsessed, only simply meditating on years of conditioning that echo on repeat. I don’t want to justify self-worth to myself or others based on what I’m doing. I want to be enough by virtue of my own existence. In my opinion, that’s the way it should be – for anyone.

The rest is bonus, following that. And I want to feel the drive and motivation to achieve greatness, to be more and do more, from my own darling self. And yet… I struggle finding that peace, belonging and fulfillment within.

What greatly bothers me is how dependant I become on someone else to fuel and drive me. It’s natural, yes, I simply wish that I could tap into it on my own.

Think of a child giving purpose to a mother or perhaps a lover to his or her significant other, who suddenly become capable of conquering the world, so to speak.

Yes, we are inherently social and community-based creatures by nature… I only wish it wasn’t necessary to tap into that power with the help of another person. I wish I could be enough for myself.

Why can’t I be enough for me?

In the end, I’m afraid to admit how much I want or need someone beside me. It feels like giving up my power, in a way. The question is, did I have it to begin with?

There’s a different kind of power only another person can gift you. 

Accepting that may be the greatest fear of all.