Dear Sniffy,
A few days ago, I found out that you passed away over the summer. I can’t really send this letter anywhere, so I’ll post it on my website.
You enjoyed spending a lot of time checking out random things on the internet… and had we still been talking, I would have told you I finally published this site I kept talking about, years ago.
I’m sorry for eventually blocking you, but you can’t blame me. You made my life hell, yet despite that I still cared about you.
I loved you.
I miss the good times we shared, because despite the horrors, we also had some of the greatest moments I experienced in my 35 years of life.
We met seven years ago this month, back in November 2018. It’s been a crazy ride since then and if I would have attended your service, I guess I’d say…
I remember you with both joy and sorrow. You were a darling, charming asshole, whom I loved dearly. You were delightfully wonderful in your best of times and fucking unbearable in your miserable worst.
I would know; I’ve lived with you for over three years in a tiny studio apartment, through a pandemic and we’ve spent more time together than some couples do in their entire marriage lifetime.
We weren’t married, but that’s not the point.
Surprisingly, many married couples spend very little time together between working, raising kids and meeting a multitude of other responsibilities, including balancing social events, friendships and other obligations, things that we simply didn’t have in our schedule.
This means we spent most of our time hanging out, watching movies, shows and playing video games. Some of my favourite moments are those spent gaming with you.
Honestly, you were the best gaming partner I ever had.
As a matter of fact, Sniffy, it’s your game name I’m addressing this letter to. It also doubles as an efficient way to protect your identity and privacy.
You were an avid trophy hunter in your time, collecting 98 platinum, 419 gold, 1187 silver and 2931 bronze, a combined total of 4635 trophies on the PlayStation Network. GG.
I have 31 platinum trophies today. You would be proud of me, Sniffy. You were beside me when I collected my first plat and we celebrated the ongoing milestones, thereafter. I’ve played games throughout my entire life, but you’re the one who got me into collecting trophies.
We’ve both been part of a community of people who take their games seriously and work hard for them. And we are sorry to lose you.
Yes, I stopped talking with you, but I hoped you were well and getting better. I occasionally checked your PSN profile for activity to see which games and trophies you were last playing and achieving, along signs of life…
You had self-destructive habits and I spent years trying to help you past them, Sniffy. I did my best to take care of you, keep you safe, alive and healthy. You know I did anything and everything in my power. I sacrificed everything, gave you all of my time, resources attention and love. I gave you everything I had and was.
I risked it all for you, because you were special to me.
We spent our time shopping, eating meals, bickering about typical and harmless couple things, while also navigating through unspeakably dark nights; the kind neither of us would wish to remember.
Those nights involved substance abuse, self harm or domestic violence. Anxiety and depression on both sides, for different reasons. A series of nightmares. PTSD.
I have many mixed feelings about you, me and our history. I have a lot of reasons to hate you, but I also deeply cared about and loved you… even when you threatened my life.
And here it is, asshole… I miss you. I’m sad you’re dead and gone. Damn, I spent so much time on a mission to keep you alive… and now you’re gone, after everything.
I can’t go back to one of our inside jokes, laugh or celebrate something we shared or yell at you for doing something stupid.
I hated your drinking. I wished that I could make a magic genie wish to ensure alcohol would disappear and never, ever exist in the world again. And yet, the same day I found out you were gone… I had a drink in your memory. It’s fucking stupid.
Today, I ordered a cheese stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. Like those we used to order years ago. I’m going to play Bloodborne, that terrible game you gifted me when we started going out. I hated it. I swear, it’s the most frustrating and difficult game I’ve ever played in my life.
And yet… I’m so damn proud of you for getting that platinum. You have my respect. As does anyone else with a Bloodborne platinum. You are all amazing.
No promises, but I’ll try earning the platinum in Bloodborne. In your memory. And in Dark Souls, your favourite game.
Damn it, Sniffy.
We had a life, you know. We had a home. It went to shit. But it didn’t have to. I forgave you, but I’m still mad at you. You had so much to live for…
I’ll always remember you, whether I like it or not. I’ll remember our time in 1408. Part of me never made it out of that apartment, by the way. I can’t really explain it, to this day. I’m not the same person and the one I left behind lives on as a ghost I continue feeling a distant connection to.
During those years I learned a lot about life, myself and relationships.
One of my favourite things about you is that you were a regular blood donor. Thanks to someone like you, I was able to receive blood in eighth grade following a near-death experience. Since then, I’ve wished to pay it forward and become a blood donor, myself.
I was so happy joining you for my first donation, something I had waited years to do. You were a jerk and criticized me for almost fainting, but otherwise it was a great experience.
You loved DC and Marvel comics. You loved talking about them and your enthusiasm was palpable. You loved mobile mech suits, such as those in the Gundam shows, worked on building similar model sets and also yearned for another Armored Core title to be released by FromSoftware.
I’ll honour your memory by reading your favourite comic series, The Superior SpiderMan, go through the Gundam shows again and play Fires of Rubicon for you, eventually. They did it, Sniffy. They released another one.
I will keep tradition and watch ‘The Thing’ on the first major snowfall of the year. I’ll continue shaking the bag of milk in the pitcher before opening it and whatever other things we did, because… yes.
You would be pleased to know I watched The Expanse, Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead. However, I still haven’t earned the platinum in the Borderlands Pre-Sequel… I know, I know.
Damn, I got something in my eyes.
They announced an Expanse game. The reveal looks awesome, you would have been so excited. I’ll play that for both of us. And for the Belt. I also agree with you, Drummer is my favourite character in the show. And now there are comics…
I’m really sad you’re gone, Sniffy.
As much as I resented you, I wish you were still here. There’s a very good reason I left and wouldn’t come back, but I still wish you were here. I wish things were different.
Once again, thank you for cooking. I don’t enjoy it and it means a lot that you took care of it. I should interview someone passionate about cooking for a podcast I’ve been planning to launch.
I’m launching a podcast, Sniffy. It’s delayed, but I’ll get there. I’m doing it for people like you, me and the rest of us struggling to find meaning and something to anchor us in our day-to-day lives.
Each episode will feature someone talking about his or her pursuit of something meaningful, such as a passion, hobby, job or some other thing, what it means to someone and the impact it had on one’s life.
It encourages people to keep going and gives them ideas of various things they could try, in the least. I wish I could share it with you.
I cared about and loved you, Sniffy. We had the best of times and worst of times. Either way, I’m grateful we knew each other and thankful for the experiences and lessons we gathered along the way.
Please forgive me where I fell short. I forgive you, too.
With care, always,
Rox
The Point of Meaning 